Forgiveness.
One of the most difficult thing a human must do.
Regardless of your race, forgiveness is difficult. A choice that each one of us must intentionally make.
It's been that kind of season for me.
I thought that these things only happen in teen years, but it's actually a norm in the adult life. You get judged no matter what you do. People don't give grace. Maybe we should not expect grace, I don't know.
I didn't think I needed to write this and although it may look like I am on a defensive mode, I am actually doing this for me. I am doing this so I can have my closure, and I can go towards forgiveness.
It's been a ride since I got pregnant with Adam. My skin condition is not a secret. I also don't expect people to give me sympathy. I wasn't looking for it either. I shared about it because I know there would be people out there going through a similar thing with me, and it will help to connect with them and go through it together. Little did I know, what I had was rare.
Most people recovered after their baby came out. Mine didn't. It affected me mentally. I was on a pause with God. Still, I didn't expect nor did I want sympathy from people.
I was also already a mom to 2 young toddlers. YOUNG TODDLERS.
They want our attention most of the time, and they get cranky when they get sleepy or hungry, and they both have different personalities, and love language. I love our lil big family, but they are a lot. They take up a lot of energy and mental space.
I was fighting my own physical battle, mom-guilt battle and at the same time, giving what I can and have to my career. I was falling sick a lot more than I wanted (obviously! Who wants to be sick?). Try being sick and still having to be a mom 100% at home. It takes all of you. It sucks big time!
I have gone through this "drama" before in my teen years, and I have had someone coming up to me to apologize, years after he heard certain things about me that was not true but he took it like they were true, only to find out that all the things told to him by our mutual friends, were out of context and all lies.
After so many years, he came up to me and said he was sorry, that he should have approached me and asked. It mended our friendship instantly, and even though we don't see each other often now, we remained good friends.
It's that season, like I said.
Things were said about me, behind my back and out of context. When I first heard about it, I was hurt, upset and shocked. They didn't know the reason to what I did. They didn't bother asking me. They assumed and created their own story to portray me to be someone I am not.
The hurtful part was not even how they portray me to be, and spreading them like hot cakes. It was the fact that they did it as if we don't have a friendship. As if I'm an enemy that they intend to bring down. There were no conversations with me about it. Zero.
They just think it's the most mature thing to do and that is to just tell everyone they know that Sarah is like this because she did this. They didn't even know why I had to do it, or if I actually wanted to do what I did.
I hoped for grace, and understanding. But clearly I was not on the same page, and that was my fault to assume that they would give me some grace, and walk alongside me.
I had many anxiety attacks this year, and what made it tougher to overcome was the fact that when I am with my children, I try my absolute best to put a front so I could be the kind of mom they need now. I don't always successfully do it. Adrian stepped in a lot to help. But the anxiety attacks don't wait for the 'perfect time' to come. They just come as and when. For a few months, I felt like I was drowning. Heh.
The things that were said about me, they didn't hurt me. Because there were no truths in them. I had valid reasons and I am going to live with that. I shared my story, and that's because I feel like everyone deserved to know. I cried before I even began telling the whole story.
It was that difficult.
But I knew that to start forgiving people, it starts with that. It starts with me being vulnerable with the team. With the people.
I am thankful for close friends who have stood by me, despite hearing things about me. They are not parents (yet), but they understood my struggles, and they helped carry my weights. My family has always been 100% there, and never out of the picture. My sisters are God-sent. Talking to them lifts a certain weight off. My husband is hands down, the most understanding and honest man I even know. He is never too afraid to tell me the truth, and loves me harder when I am not that lovable.
You can keep saying what you want, even without knowing the context, but just know that you shouldn't. It's not right. God wouldn't be pleased. When someone, especially when they are a friend, I recommend going up to them and have a conversation. It will do you more good, then putting an assumption and hurt people along the way. You want to build people up, not tear them apart. You want to be the reason for people to smile, and not cry.
I am still hurt. I am finding it humanly difficult to forgive. But I want to move on. I want to prioritize what matters now, and unfortunately it is not these rumors, and it's not how I want to live my life.
This is a closure for me. This is the final chapter on this book. I will move on, and I will forgive you.
If you have heard things about me and you are unsure, talk to me okay? You can hear my side of story before making up your own. I promise I won't bite you.
I've learned that forgiveness is a choice. It is personal and it is meant for me (not for them). Forgiving people is hard and it is not forgetting. Forgiving someone also does not mean that you approve of what they did. You can forgive someone and know that what they did was not okay. Forgiveness is also not trust. Forgiving them doesn't mean you can trust them completely again, but it can be rebuild of course.
For those of you who is finding hard to forgive, start by finding a way to have a closure. It helps me. And I hope it will help you. I think even with a closure, it will take some time to forgive a person entirely, but you will get there. We will get there eventually.
Side note: if you think my IG stories doesn't benefit you, or it makes you upset, or it annoys you - please don't continue to follow it. It is absolutely fine! I will not hold it against you. To be honest, I never check who follows or unfollows me. I don't care actually. If you think you like to see my daily boring contents, then I hope you will find joy in them. If not, it is perfectly okay to unfollow me :)
Till next time, bye now.
