I realized that this is a really long overdue post.
As excited as we were when we first found out about this pregnancy, I was not enjoying the celebration as much and that was really because of the horrible first trimester morning sickness. I didn't get them this badly as compared to when I was preggo with Alex and Sofia - so this time was new and full of surprises. Heh.
I don't want to talk much about it because it can (and will) quickly turned into a massive noisy endless complaints. I've had that many moments of just sulking in that because of how terrible it was.
Not until I saw Little Bean's heartbeat on the monitor, and the guilt just overwhelms me. I promised (since that day) that I would not complain to that extent anymore.
It was so bad that I vowed to never have a fourth baby okay. I am guilty of saying that loud. But it's because I really could not bear going through those roller-coaster physical things again. But I am sorry, and I am taking that back, because who knows, maybe we will still have a fourth kid. Hah. I can imagine Adrian's facial expression as he is reading this. He is settled with 3 (I think) but let's leave this topic to next time. Hah.
But morning sickness story aside, I am now in a much better place (physically) with morning sickness only showing up once or twice a week, so I am thankful and I am ready to pen this down here.
To answer many of you, yes we were planning to expand our family and we were very intentional to make that happen by this year, however we decided to take a pause because suddenly, there were many international travel plans that pop out, and we didn't want to risk going through miscarriage again by being pregnant and doing long haul travels.
But guess what?
We didn't know it then, but his Michael-Phelps-sperm had already met with my egg even before we decided to take a pause. It never crossed our minds that we could actually be pregnant, but then again, we were actively trying so no surprises there la please.
My period was late for 2 weeks but it didn't raise any suspicions because they were late for 2 weeks many months before so to avoid spending more money in those overpriced-pregnancy test kits, I decided to just wait it out and I was really sure that it was not pregnancy la please.
We went travelling that week to the East Coast Region of the Peninsular (Kelantan, Terengganu & Pahang) and I was always tired (with slight nausea) but we thought that could be because of the long-distance travelling on the road (motion sickness) and having to handle the kids and things like that. So we didn't put much thoughts into it.
The nausea and tiredness got worse after we got home and that night, I decided not to wait any longer and took out our last cheap test kit and peed on it. Three seconds after my pee touched the place where the pee is supposed to go, the two lines appeared and appeared very clear and I knew then that I was confirmed to be pregnant! But I wanted (needed) to be 2 test kits sure hah.
I remembered smiling from ear to ear, and thinking in my head o how to tell the father of my children - whether to make a big gesture or just plain and simple 'I'm pregnant'.
I went with the latter but his reaction was nothing I expected!
I passed him the stick and he thought I was playing a prank on him. Even after I explained to him that it was real, he still had that doubt. I HAD TO GO TO THE RUBBISH BIN AND SHOW HIM THE FIRST TEST KIT THAT WAS POSITIVE. This man I tell you.
He then smiled and gave me a long tight hug. We told our sisters the same night because I could not hold it in any longer please. It was such a big happy news that I felt came at the right time.
Of course, then the whole morning sickness continued but it made sense to why I was feeling all those things. Just thankful it was not Covid again. Heh.
So yeah, that was how we found out about Little Bean, and no we do not know the gender yet (or maybe we do heh). I guess we will just have to wait for the gender reveal party to find out. Hah.
And this shall be my first letter to Little Bean..
Hello you little baby. We were not expecting you although we wanted you already. Make sense? Anyways, you became the reason I had to let go of some travel plans that were already in the planning, and although it seems like such a sacrifice, it really is not. When I know that you were already growing in me, letting go of those my hearts also desire was easy and was a no-brainer.
You were hard to love at first, but watching your little heart beating on that screen changed me. Maybe it was the hormones too, but it felt as though that was my first time seeing a heartbeat on that monitor, although I've already gone through that with your brother and sister.
Make no mistakes and never doubt me okay because even with Alex and Sofia with me now, I realized that my heart can actually grow bigger to create that space to love you infinitely. It's really a wow thing. So yes, I love you now and I will love you till my last breath. See you in December okay. Don't come out too early and also don't come out too late please. Heh.
Grow well, you.
Love you now and will love you till my last breath <3