16 April 2024
Adam's First Safari Party!
03 March 2024
Can I apply leave as a mom?
I don't think I have ever been stretched like that as a mother.
It has been such a week. That kind of week where I wanted it to end faster. I wanted Monday to come fast so we could reset.
The kids were behaving poorly. They were impatient, rude (in our definition) and very demanding. I was not okay with all of it. I was a bit surprised to how they behaved this week, and wondered if it was a reflection of how Adrian and I talk to each other and to them.
I don't think that was how we are with them, or like ever with anyone.
They were taking turns in throwing tantrums, and demanding for certain things to be according to what they want, and they want it now. If not, they go crazy, and they did went crazy, and loud.
Today was the day I lost it.
I have tried gentle parenting - always asking and making sure I understand form their perspective, and explain to them calmly why certain behaviours are not acceptable in this household. I avoid using some trigger words and questions, and my mind is always trying to re-form words that supports gentle parenting. Maybe it's not the correct way of this parenting method. It did not work. I like how it helped me clam down and take really deep deep breaths, and talk about how they feel first and whatnots.
But it didn't work this week.
Today, I felt numb to their crying and shouting. I told myself, "I cannot take this anymore", and then I walked to the bathroom, and showered in cold water. I allowed myself to cry all frustration and hurt out. Yes, my children hurt me this week. I think I imploded a few times this week.
It was a good short cry (not my first this week for sure). I didn't even got to finish my me-time, and Sofia stormed into the toilet (our lock is spoiled), and demanded for me to carry her. If not, she will not stop screaming and crying.
At this point, I don't even know what to feel anymore.
I carried her to her room, and hugged her, and I could not not stop my tears from coming out. She must have seen them before I wiped it away, because she said sorry twice (while she was still sobbing). My anxiety was rooftop high.
Adrian took both the toddlers for a short swimming time, and I needed to do something to heal. So, I did some sewing. I took out my shorts, and sports bra and sewed a while.
We had another meltdown during dinner time with Alex, and I did not handle it calmly. I could not. I tried hold it in, but I failed la okay.
"If you don't want to eat the food that is on the table, you don't have to eat anything at all. You can stay in the room by yourself."
Sofia cried, and insisted we don't close the door, so koko could come out and join us at the dinner table. At this point, Alex was still being stubborn and crying.
Adrian stood up from the dinner table, and that was when Alex started to calm down. Nobody messes with dady ya.
Anyways, he came and sat next to me, and we had a great dinner time. They all did anyways. I was suffocating inside. But I held it together of course. The kids were finally okay again.
But today, I don't want to be a mom. I don't want to wear my mom's hat. I just want to wear Sarah Khoo's hat. Just be me, and for me. Just today.
Before they fell asleep tonight, I whispered to the both of them, that I love them so much, and it was not okay to behave like how they did, but I still love them.
It's been a week.
It is never easy. But we go through another day trying to be the best parents we can. And that, is a win in itself.
28 July 2023
Life with 3 Children is Like This.
I know I am really behind the Japan's post but it is going to be a really long one. I have been typing a bit here and there, but I also need my blogging mojo to get it going good. It will come soon.
Anyways, here's a little update on how our lives have been since we became a family of 5.
I used to hear people saying that when you have two, getting a three would be easier. Hm, it's not entirely true.
It is easier in some things like we don't over-react easily, but man, having to manage the household things with 3 kids is hard, and exhausting. With three, both Adrian and myself really needs to be hands-on all the time. I am always really thankful that we've got help and support from our parents, sisters, cousins and friends. Every time we asked for help, most of the time, it would be a yes! Adrian and I are truly blessed.
Here's a little routine that works for Adrian and I.
Adrian handles all the kids' bath time, and I will put clothes on for Adam (most of the time), while Alex and Sofia put on clothes by themselves (not often though). My mom-in-law helped so much at home with the 2 older kids. They both have gotten used to going to her and Adrian for snacks and stuff, because I would usually be very occupied with Adam at home.
I honestly don't rush my time with Adam - I know it's unfair but that's the reality. I enjoy and really slow down when I am with him because I know there is not going to be another baby of ours that I could do this with. Perhaps, I am going to do that with Vanessa's baby since Rachel is so sure they are not going to have another kid. Boo.
Both Alex and Sofia have never showed any jealous signs, so I think they understand too, that Adam is really young and he really needs more attention. From me at least. Adrian spends more time with them because I would put Adam to bed.
I do sometimes crave to carry him to sleep and let him sleep on me. I miss breastfeeding him for sure. But I could not restart the breastfeeding journey if I wanted to because it would set my hormones haywire again, and we all know what could happen. So, I just accept it as it is.
I sleep-trained Adam when he was very young, because I needed to make sure I rest enough for my work the next day. He has been really easy on that which is life-changing. Sometimes, he sleeps with my mom-in-law when both Adrian and I are too tired.
I told you that we are blessed, and I really mean it. I am not embarrassed to admit and ask for help when I need one, and I think you all shouldn't as well, especially young parents. You would be amazed to know what a 2-hours break from children can do to your mental state and marriage.
Alex will usually play with Adrian for a while before bedtime - all sports things. It can be floorball, badminton, simply bounce ball and laugh or it can be mobile legends on Adrian's phone. Yeah, I know what you are thinking. Alex doesn't know how to play (he will deny this of course), so we just let him simply shoot or something. I don't know what they do in there but yeah.
Sofia would usually have a healthy snack before bedtime. Like apples or oats. Sometimes, she will try to ask for chips and unhealthy snacks, but she knows she will 99% get a no from me. I am the food-police at home. The kids have to ask me first everytime they want to have "snacks". If it is up to Adrian and my mom-in-law, it's 99% yes all the time. So no, I will be a bad cop on this - I don't mind. Hah.
We will leave Adam in his cot in the living room so he can see the big boys playing, Sofia munching away and me watching the TV or watching him. Then, I would give a countdown time to the boys and bring Adam to my room so I could put him to bed first.
Then, we get Alex and Sofia to the room and lie down with them - read bible and take turns to pray. I would leave the room to check on Adam, and most of the time, I ended up falling asleep, especially on weekdays. Adrian would continue to lie down with them.
We also stopped buying milk for Sofia because we wanted her to change to healthier option like oat milk or soy. But she hated both, and so she stopped taking milk. Alex is still drinking his oat milk because still got stock in our house. Hah.
I prepped the kids snack box for school, and our kai-kai bags. Adrian will clean the mess in the room after showers. I will tie Sofia's hair and Adrian would style Alex's hair.
Adam will just watch us from his cot or walker.
Alex and Sofia help us calm Adam down when he gets cranky in the car, or at home. They would sing to him and oh my heart. I just cannot. I envisioned them growing up together, and loving and supporting each other forever. I love it.
So yeah.
Our expenses are higher now, but our hearts are really full. I find myself wishing we could have 1 more kid, but who am I kidding. We are good with three okay.
Adam is going to be 8-months old soon. Should I start planning for his first birthday already? Hah.
I love my little family so much sometimes I feel like I am going to burst.
Till next update (hopefully on Japan 's trip), bye now.