03 March 2024

Can I apply leave as a mom?

I don't think I have ever been stretched like that as a mother. 

It has been such a week. That kind of week where I wanted it to end faster. I wanted Monday to come fast so we could reset. 

The kids were behaving poorly. They were impatient, rude (in our definition) and very demanding. I was not okay with all of it. I was a bit surprised to how they behaved this week, and wondered if it was a reflection of how Adrian and I talk to each other and to them. 

I don't think that was how we are with them, or like ever with anyone. 

They were taking turns in throwing tantrums, and demanding for certain things to be according to what they want, and they want it now. If not, they go crazy, and they did went crazy, and loud. 

Today was the day I lost it. 

I have tried gentle parenting - always asking and making sure I understand form their perspective, and explain to them calmly why certain behaviours are not acceptable in this household. I avoid using some trigger words and questions, and my mind is always trying to re-form words that supports gentle parenting. Maybe it's not the correct way of this parenting method. It did not work. I like how it helped me clam down and take really deep deep breaths, and talk about how they feel first and whatnots. 

But it didn't work this week. 

Today, I felt numb to their crying and shouting. I told myself, "I cannot take this anymore", and then I walked to the bathroom, and showered in cold water. I allowed myself to cry all frustration and hurt out. Yes, my children hurt me this week. I think I imploded a few times this week. 

It was a good short cry (not my first this week for sure). I didn't even got to finish my me-time, and Sofia stormed into the toilet (our lock is spoiled), and demanded for me to carry her. If not, she will not stop screaming and crying. 

At this point, I don't even know what to feel anymore. 

I carried her to her room, and hugged her, and I could not not stop my tears from coming out. She must have seen them before I wiped it away, because she said sorry twice (while she was still sobbing). My anxiety was rooftop high. 

Adrian took both the toddlers for a short swimming time, and I needed to do something to heal. So, I did some sewing. I took out my shorts, and sports bra and sewed a while. 

We had another meltdown during dinner time with Alex, and I did not handle it calmly. I could not. I tried hold it in, but I failed la okay. 

"If you don't want to eat the food that is on the table, you don't have to eat anything at all. You can stay in the room by yourself." 

Sofia cried, and insisted we don't close the door, so koko could come out and join us at the dinner table. At this point, Alex was still being stubborn and crying. 

Adrian stood up from the dinner table, and that was when Alex started to calm down. Nobody messes with dady ya. 

Anyways, he came and sat next to me, and we had a great dinner time. They all did anyways. I was suffocating inside. But I held it together of course. The kids were finally okay again. 

But today, I don't want to be a mom. I don't want to wear my mom's hat. I just want to wear Sarah Khoo's hat. Just be me, and for me. Just today. 

Before they fell asleep tonight, I whispered to the both of them, that I love them so much, and it was not okay to behave like how they did, but I still love them. 

It's been a week.

It is never easy. But we go through another day trying to be the best parents we can. And that, is a win in itself.