14 February 2020

Marriage is Hard: Ours Included.

"Marriage is meant to keep people together, not just when things are good, but particularly when they are not. That is why we take marriage vows and not wishes"

When I say yes (three years ago) to marrying the man who is now the father of our two minis, I know I am saying yes to a lifetime with him. That being said, here is something quite personal that I would like to share because the reality is what it is and if I don't share it, then what is the point kan of this blog? 

We all know marriage is hard - but marriage becomes harder when we decided to become parents, right after getting married. We gave each other very little time to enjoy the only-two-of-us-season and this is not at all a complain. We wanted it. We wanted to start a family and with Alex, it was just lovely. 

It was challenging when Alex came into our world with some unrealistic expectations and first time having to sacrifice sleep night in and night out. 

But when Sofia came, marriage is not just hard, it was in the top list for my daily prayer. Our marriage needed help or some kind of intervention. 

I knew deep inside something was not going right in our relationship with each other and no - I am not talking about being tempted by others kind of not right - more like we were just keeping our distance to avoid getting into more disagreements that will for sure lead to arguments (be it silent or loud kind). And because of that conscious distancing away, I felt disconnected with him. It was sad. I was sad - on top of being tired physically. 

Ever since Sofia came like about 2 months ago, we both have been having more bad days then good days with each other. 

Bad days = disagreements and usage of sarcastic words that led to arguments and not nice feelings.
Good days - none of the above

So yeah. It was really hard. 

Of course it crossed my mind to go to a professional marriage counselor to iron things out. We have been to 1 when we first got married and like I always say to my close friends, everyone who is in a relationship should meet with a marriage counselor at least once because it's really an eye opener. So, we both are very open to going for another one. 

We did not in the end because we knew exactly what the problem was during our most recent argument - amazing what you can find out when both are angry - just as long as no nasty words are said. 

It really bottles down to meeting another new set of expectations and handling the stress (due to lack of sleep and time etc) and how we must sit down and realize that marriage is hard - not bad. 

We thought that second round of being a parent is easier because we have got the experience d ma right. WRONG. 

Having a second one means everything also doubled and time is halved. Make decisions also must think & discuss a few times because now it involves TWO minis. 

And every baby is different - means we cannot handle Sofia like how we handled Alex because they are both really different babies altho came from same two loves. Hah. 

We are slowly getting more good days now because we are slowly becoming more patient with each other and always trying to see from each other's perspective. 

Here is one example of how a good day can be turned into a bad day. 

I realized that often times, I needed to remind him to help me wash the milk bottles and parts of my pumping things, but he always just leave the milk bottles at the sink and it will drive me crazy. I cannot stand seeing the bottles at the sink not washed and I ended up having to wash them myself and day in day out, I find myself becoming more bitter towards it. So when we finally "argued" about it, he became more aware. Let's hope he doesn't delay in washing them bottles anymore. Heh. 

So yeah. 

There were so many times when I asked him (and him to me) if he still loves me at the end of a day. We don't even hold hands when we sleep anymore - okaylah to be fair, it is mostly because we sleep at different time now. I will fall asleep with Alex first and he will spend time with Sofia outside. Heh. 

So, since today is Valentine's Day, here is a little something for you, lifetime lover of mine. 

"I did not realize the amount of pressure that comes on us when we decided to start a family and expand it in the 3 years of being married - okay 4 years this September. And I have been letting myself getting upset with the littlest thing that doesn't really matter and if I may, I'm going to blame it all on the lack of sleep really. Because it really is. Me having very little sleep makes me a cranky wife. You know that for sure. So thank you for still holding the fort and loving me at the end of the day with milk stains all over me and probably smelled like milk too. 

Marriage is hard. parenting is also hard. And together, it is super super hard. But I am glad you are the one I got to do it with. Doing life with you - tick. 

I love you ever since we started and I will love you for the rest of my life. Yes, you better live longer than me. Heh. There are so many things that annoys me but every day, I will TRY to choose to close my eyes and walk away from it (like you always wanting to press my blackheads or when you don't hang your towels).

I cannot wait to go back to work partly because now night shifts are divided into two! HAHA. 

Bottom line is I love you and no matter how hard times are going to get, we will make it through. We will always be able to look back at it and laugh like noobs. 

I valentine you, Adrian Koay. Always will and always have. 

To marriage and to us.