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Wednesday, February 10, 2016

28.

What is so important that I am sacrificing my sleep to write this?

It's my birthday that's why! Heh. Tebal punya muka ni. 

To be honest, since I turned twenty-five (yes, I'm going to be honest about my age just this once!
 Heh)
, three years ago, I became very reluctant to celebrate birthdays, particularly my own. I don't look forward to it. I don't feel it, the excitement and all sorts. 


I really don't know if this is part of growing up and everyone that is at my age or older have went through it or are still going through it, but yeah I am feeling it. 

This year however, despite all the 'negative-energy' from every part of my body, I have decided to organize my first ever birthday party. No, I am obviously not turning one. I would be the world's genius if I am writing all this, being a one-year old girl. Hah. 

Never have I ever have a birthday party. 

Heh. 

I thought that before I am called by another last name, I should have a birthday party for myself and I am sorry if you are not invited because budget is a concern so only a handful of people are going to be a part of this. 

Gosh never thought it would be this mentally tiring to convince myself to go ahead with the whole thing because I actually really don't want to have it in the first place, but then I also want one before I kahwin. So how. 

I actually don't want to do anything extraordinary on my birthday and don't want to make it an event also. What have gotten into my brain seriously?

Regret also pointless already. Hah.

Turning twenty-eight makes me realize one important thing. 

I've always find it really fulfilling when I grow stronger mentally and emotionally, and I have always known that it is always most effective through difficult moments, especially heartbreaks. 

I have had a handful of heartbreaks since last year's birthday and it's crazy for me to 'assumed' that through all those painful times, times when simple/easy expectations were not met, that with time I get stronger. 

NONSENSE.

I realized today that I did not get stronger. Maybe 40% I was able to control what I say or how I react to it, but the other 60%?

I would say that it was slowly turning into bitterness, silent anger and ignorance. All these three buddies decided to build up a box somewhere inside the heart and hide in there for as long as they could. 

It was only tonight that as I spend time with God, He reveals all of those. 

Did I really get emotionally better/stronger by letting time go by and pretend that all will be okay again? Or the fact that it is okay if sometimes you swallow it and keep telling yourself it's okay?

No.

Not at all. 

Only God could give us that strength to be emotionally leveled-up. 

You can go through nonsense moments and you may think that it's all okay already since it's not stirring you easily anymore. Wrong. You are in fact one level down because you WILL have an extra room for bitterness and you would not even know it. That bitterness will indirectly control of the way you talk to a particular someone, makes a certain kind of decision and the kind of person you slowly turn into.

Unless you pray and you ask God to help you.

If you don't, you are not going to level up. 

Tonight, I did just that. Tonight, He came down and rescued me. I think I was literally drowning inside of myself. Phew, boy did that felt good. 

Thank You Jesus. 

Oh, and know this one thing. Humans will fail you, confirm they will fail you but God will never fail you. Knowing and understanding the fact that humans will fail you, will makes you realize that you should always put a reasonable expectations on one another because healthy expectations drive people. Heh. At least it drives me. 

Well, here's to a great twenty-eighth birthday for me :)

Here's a song that helped me through. Listen to it okay?

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