28.

What is so important that I am sacrificing my sleep to write this?

It's my birthday that's why! Heh. Tebal punya muka ni. 

To be honest, since I turned twenty-five (yes, I'm going to be honest about my age just this once!
 Heh), three years ago, I became very reluctant to celebrate birthdays, particularly my own. I don't look forward to it. I don't feel it, the excitement and all sorts. 

I really don't know if this is part of growing up and everyone that is at my age or older have went through it or are still going through it, but yeah I am feeling it. 

This year however, despite all the 'negative-energy' from every part of my body, I have decided to organize my first ever birthday party. No, I am obviously not turning one. I would be the world's genius if I am writing all this, being a one-year old girl. Hah. 

Never have I ever have a birthday party. 

Heh. 

I thought that before I am called by another last name, I should have a birthday party for myself and I am sorry if you are not invited because budget is a concern so only a handful of people are going to be a part of this. 

Gosh never thought it would be this mentally tiring to convince myself to go ahead with the whole thing because I actually really don't want to have it in the first place, but then I also want one before I kahwin. So how. 

I actually don't want to do anything extraordinary on my birthday and don't want to make it an event also. What have gotten into my brain seriously?

Regret also pointless already. Hah.

Turning twenty-eight makes me realize one important thing. 

I've always find it really fulfilling when I grow stronger mentally and emotionally, and I have always known that it is always most effective through difficult moments, especially heartbreaks. 

I have had a handful of heartbreaks since last year's birthday and it's crazy for me to 'assumed' that through all those painful times, times when simple/easy expectations were not met, that with time I get stronger. 

NONSENSE.

I realized today that I did not get stronger. Maybe 40% I was able to control what I say or how I react to it, but the other 60%?

I would say that it was slowly turning into bitterness, silent anger and ignorance. All these three buddies decided to build up a box somewhere inside the heart and hide in there for as long as they could. 

It was only tonight that as I spend time with God, He reveals all of those. 

Did I really get emotionally better/stronger by letting time go by and pretend that all will be okay again? Or the fact that it is okay if sometimes you swallow it and keep telling yourself it's okay?

No.

Not at all. 

Only God could give us that strength to be emotionally leveled-up. 

You can go through nonsense moments and you may think that it's all okay already since it's not stirring you easily anymore. Wrong. You are in fact one level down because you WILL have an extra room for bitterness and you would not even know it. That bitterness will indirectly control of the way you talk to a particular someone, makes a certain kind of decision and the kind of person you slowly turn into.

Unless you pray and you ask God to help you.

If you don't, you are not going to level up. 

Tonight, I did just that. Tonight, He came down and rescued me. I think I was literally drowning inside of myself. Phew, boy did that felt good. 

Thank You Jesus. 

Oh, and know this one thing. Humans will fail you, confirm they will fail you but God will never fail you. Knowing and understanding the fact that humans will fail you, will makes you realize that you should always put a reasonable expectations on one another because healthy expectations drive people. Heh. At least it drives me. 

Well, here's to a great twenty-eighth birthday for me :)

Here's a song that helped me through. Listen to it okay?

Pre-CNY Feel.

ONE HOUR TO A LONG WEEK AHEAD!

Yes, I am counting down. As tired (mentally) as I feel right now, I still have extra energy stored inside somewhere for party tonight yo!

I feel like this CNY will feel like this for one last time for me that is. Next year it will feel completely different I bet. Obviously for now I am loving the angpow collecting and all, but I feel giving angpows could be very fulfilling also. I don't know. For now, I need to collect as many angpows as I can. 

Also because my birthday is coming also maybe that's why I'm feeling everything in. Hmm. This year's birthday also feels really different. I remembered I didn't feel like celebrating last year because I felt so.. old? 

I don't know if that is the perfect word to use, but yeah. 

This year however, feels like I have to go all out because it's my last year of being single? Okay, not really single, but just not like legally attached with someone. You know what I mean? Like my last name is still Khoo. Oh wait, it will always be a Khoo. Heh. 

It's not like I feel after tying that knot means like everything won't be as nice but its just that feeling of going into something really new. 

It's like relocating to a new country for good. New place, new culture, new bedroom and new sleeping partner. Not that I have a sleeping partner now or whatsoever. Basically, I feel my life will change and I am looking forward to it no doubt about that. 

I guess the few months left with no preparation (G!) is giving me all the reasons to do big on any events before I sign the paper. That explains why I am feeling so broke right now. Hah. Oh well. 

Back to Chinese New Year feel. Although I hope for a fun season, so far it feels nothing like that, yet. I didn't even buy clothes till the final week and through Zalora. That was how desperate and moodless I was to get into the season. 

Now that it's just minutes away, I AM FEELING IT OF COURSE. 

So here I am wishing all of you a great Chinese New Year with people you love! Go and collect/give all the angpows in the world yo!

Koay's Love Language #15.

One Step.

A STATE OF MENTAL OR EMOTIONAL STRAIN OR TENSION RESULTING FROM ADVERSE OR VERY DEMANDING CIRCUMSTANCES.

definition of stress

Yes, I have been under a lot of this lately. So much that sometimes I use more energy to hold the tears back into the eye-socket than the energy used to play captain ball on Sunday. Heh. 

I am not liking this part of the new role, but it is good for me. I am learning so much on a fast speed and I know for sure there is a reason behind all this. After all, I have got the Big Man on my side at all times.

I will get through this. 

Anyways, huz-to-be is not physically here for the next five days but his words are always the most encouraging yet. No need long-long essay okay. When he writes more than two sentences, that's like super good already. Okay, wait. He did write TWO times on the proposed plan. Heh. Well, I guess the expectation is going higher then. 

Turns out all I needed to hear was, one step at a time. 

I have probably said that a thousand times today in the span of nine hours. Oh well. 

He always knows what to say text. 1 bonus point for you, huz-to-be. Now, go kick some behinds at the tournament! 

Four days left for a long holiday. Yesssss.

Koay's Love Language #14.

Other than my family, he is the one person that would volunteer in a heartbeat to fetch me to the airport in the wee hours. I am really blessed.

We were walking to the check-in counter.

Me: I hate flying without you :(
Him: Yeah, right! 
Me: What? This one is for work leh. But it's okay cos I have a piece of you with me at all times! *shows off ring to him*
Him: You mean a piece of my bank!
Me: G!

Working Life.

I don't know for most of you, but my January 2016 started out not the way I have expected it. Actually, I don't really know how I expected it to be like to be honest.

I guess I didn't expect to be THIS busy during such an early time of the year. I know that I have been saying this BUSY word a lot lately and I also know that my definition of busy is probably your very mild normal but yeah. 

This year, I received another promotion (only God can do this kind of thing because I honestly do not know what I did right all this while to be able to get this) and as much as I am loving my new role, it also means that I have more on my plate now. 

I am not boasting. I am writing this because sometime along the line, I would love to look back and be reminded on all the impossible things that God has done for me which I really don't think I deserve. In my four years (FOUR AGAIN! WHAT'S WITH EVERYTHING FOUR THIS YEAR) of being with this amazing travel agency, I have been promoted three times. If this is not insane, I really don't know what is. 

I am beyond thankful. 

I am loving my new role because it gives me some power to make decisions. Small and big ones. Big like those global kind of big decisions. It's scary but it gives me that sense of empowerment that most people look for as they work hard to be successful. I kinda like doing sales but not as much as err, being bossy? Heh. 

It's not a surprise that I'm a bossy person and I'm glad that I have found the one person who could boss-me-down (sort of) and allow me to see in a different perspective and train on good bossiness, if there is even such thing. Hah. So, thanks Mut :)

So, this new role that I've got, allows me to be bossy to some extent and now I feel like I'm at my best and the sky is seriously the only limit, and my big boss. Heh. I look forward to achieving greater things for this company :)

So, thank you Big Man!

I feel I'm a very faithful employee. Heh. 

Fourth Love.

FOUR YEARS LIAO!

His reaction when I texted him this morning. He obviously forgot. Heh. It's okay because I also forgot until Facebook reminded me, sort of lah. 

Too many dates to remember. This is a serious matter people, so please don't have too many special occasions on different dates. Madness. 

It's pretty surreal to let that 'it's-been-four-years' thought sink in. It did not feel like it's been 4 years. It felt as though we just started not too long ago. That's about 1460 days spent with this boy, although not like we see each other everyday lah. Heh.

Four years ago, when we started this thing, I remembered it was a struggle for me as he is quite a different person compared to the only one person that I have dated last time for so many years. It was pretty difficult at the beginning for me to adjust the way relationship is to me to complement with this husband-to-be, but of course, we managed. Duh. 

This year's anniversary doesn't feel like a special one and I know exactly why that is so. 

BECAUSE WE ARE SIGNING THAT PAPER IN LESS THAN 8 MONTHS THAT IS WHY!

I cannot imagine how my story will be like, without this man and I do not ever want to imagine that. All I know now is that before the year ends, I am going to marry my best friend and he will be stuck with me for the rest of his life. 

GGDOTCOM.

Do you also know that today marks our fourth month of being engaged! I only realized when I looked at the side ticker. HAHA! That's funny. 

Okaylah, thumbs up to Koay for proposing the chun punya date. So easier to remember most of our dates. It all happened on the 20th. WIN!

So, actually tonight we should go eat good food right since it's a double celebration? Heh. 

To many more exciting-God-filled-days with you, Mut :)