What Is The Hardest Part About Motherhood?

I was asked this question many times, by different people, and I find it difficult to come out with an answer every single time. 

Surely every different stage of motherhood has its own difficulties, so I struggled to find my answer to this frequently asked question. 

Not until recently, when we realized that we have a few days before Alex officially attends kindergarten. I remember feeling excited when we registered for him last year, but as of this month onwards, that excitement had turned into sadness. I know. So weird right?

Something is wrong with me. But is there really? 

I teared up (in office) when I received a message from his principal (last week I think) - informing me about an orientation for all parents and then it really hit me hard. Then a few days later, I received another text message, asking for Alex's name in Chinese character and I almost lost it. Heh. 

Then, I realized that the hardest part of motherhood for me is letting go, over and over again. It does not matter how big or small the 'letting go' is, it is still as hard.

I know of the importance of letting go. You know so that he gets the chance to grow his own set of wings. Knowing that and actually needing to do it are two completely different things. 

It is by far, the hardest thing I had to do. Childbirth is a peanut in comparison to letting go. 

I also know that this is just me letting him go to school to learn Mandarin (mainly hah) and to get a social life among his peers and all that kid's stuff. But it is also the fact that I am letting him go to an unfamiliar place where he has to handle things on his own. Don't get me wrong - I want him to be independent and all but I have so many what-ifs. 

What if he "forgot" to pee and accidentally peed in his pants, and his peers started to laugh at him? 
What if he gets bullied? He is quite small in size for his age. 
What if no one wants to be his friend? 
What if he needs to cry but I am not there to comfort him?
What if the teacher is being mean to him and he doesn't know how to tell us?
What if he gets scared because he doesn't know anyone there?

What if he doesn't understand the teacher? (his class in Mandarin based)

These what-ifs are enough to make me want to keep him "safe" at home for another year, and another year. Of course, we are not going to do that. But what I am saying here is, the worries are endless. The moment we decided to get pregnant, we already know that the worries are here to stay till they are old and wrinkly and when it is time for us to meet with our Creator. 

But I was not aware that these worries can be overwhelming. That they can make you make stupid decisions. Yes, I have actually thought of postponing another year before sending him to school. Adrian talked sense to me of course heh. 

But now, I need to remind myself that for the rest of my life, I need to learn to "enjoy" letting go, over and over again - because that would be the best gift I can give to him. I cannot "protect" him forever and not allow him to go out there and make lemonades when he gets thrown lemons hah. Or limes, since he is more obsessed with limes than lemons, but you get the point. 

Wow, motherhood is one crazy ride. It comes with tonnes and tonnes of endless emotions. 

I acknowledge that Alex is a much more sensitive person, and I feel the need to protect him more than Sofia, and if I am not careful, that over-protective is going to cause him more harm than good. 

So yes, I finally got my answer. 

The hardest part of motherhood is having to let go, over and over again, and enduring these tiny little heartbreaks. 

"Today is your first day of school and I know that you will have fun and learn so many things out there, Alex. I just know it. I love you, and I always will, for as long as I still breathe. Thank you for kickstarting me in these motherhood things. It's been a ride! Letting you go today to go figure some fun kids-life things on your own heh. Have fun, baby boy, and remember to eat your packed snacks and go to the toilet when your pee-pee wants to come out already not after it comes out okay!"

Till next time, bye now. 

Is It Okay to Cuss?

Have you ever cussed before? If yes, when and where and why?

Growing up, I was taught that cussing is very bad and if any of us cussed or say any vulgar words - we would be punished. 

Now that I have grown up, things changed. Heh. Read on first before you start assuming things in your head. Hah. These are all my opinions only okay - so even if it is not a popular one and everyone disagrees with me, it is absolutely fine with me - just don't throw eggs at me hah. 

I still think that it is not okay to cuss - not out loud anyway. What are the intentions of using cuss words? What is the message that you want to convey by using the cuss words? To make your conversations more dramatic?

Now, I can testify that prior to becoming a mother, I have gotten very frustrated before (to the point of crying) and upset and whatsoever right, but nothing that was able to compare to the intensity of these same emotions after becoming a mother to two kids. 

The intensity of those frustrations is usually tripled and I find myself just want to cuss so I could feel better. Don't ask me why and how I got that "idea" that cussing could sort of help take some frustration away - because I don't have the answer to that. 

It's funny because it is not something I would usually do or want to do. So, it's a mystery for me too.

Anyways, at times when I needed to let out my frustration (could be caused by kids melting down for the lamest reason or they accidentally hurt me physically while doing something they were told not to do or spilling water all over the floor after I have just cleaned up the house or just upset with certain situations or people), I could not because the kids are with me and watching. 

So, I would run (okay maybe not run so dramatic but go) to my room, plant my face deep into a pillow, and shout really loud (but muffled) and long, "f***!!!!"

Of course, before doing that, I will make sure that the kids are not in the same room with me. 

Or sometimes I will go to the toilet (or anywhere with no one else around), and let out a whispered but firm frustrated cuss. And yes, I will feel much better after that - almost instantly. I don't know what is the magic behind it la, to be honest. I just know that it works and I will feel much better after that. 

Having said that, I realized that it was slowly becoming like a "habit" (I don't get that kind of intense frustration often okay please ah) and every time I had to let out a cuss, I felt bad. My mind would start thinking of other ways to "let off" an instant frustration but this seems to work the best. This means I will not end up screaming at my kids or intentionally starting an unnecessary argument with Adrian. 

And I finally came to a justification (for me) to be okay (and not feel bad) for needing to use the f*** word in silence. 

And that is, as long as my intention of cussing is not to hurt someone else, and not to cause anyone to stumble and no one is hearing it (except God I guess heh) - then it is okay. I always only do it in the secret anyways. 

For me, I will always ask myself if I want Alex and Sofia to cuss (at any point in their life) and my answer is absolute no. At least not with the intention to hurt someone or to stumble people around them. 

FYI - You don't appear 'cooler' if you normalize using the cuss words. You also don't appear 'screwed up' if you use them. I would like to think that it is something that people sort of adapt to when they surround themselves with people who say it out in the open and somehow it has become like a language in itself. Maybe can like do self-control wan la. You know like how people spend some time in western country then when they come back here, their accent still remains western-ish? Can turn off wan la right. Self-control ni ma heh. 

I have friends who cuss out loud in their conversations and I love them the same as my friends who do not. So, don't be passing judgments around.

It's like smoking I guess. It's a habit that is hard to break and it is addictive. Hello, sometimes when I get frustrated a little also, I will go somewhere quiet and alone and say, "f***!". So I totally understand how hard it is to break the "habit" and "addiction" especially when it is something that helps you feel better. 

This is where self-control comes in. 

There were many times when either Alex or Sofia would go crazy in the car and they would cry all the way home, and all I wanted to do is cuss. But I would bite my lips and I would take few deep breaths. 

Then, there were times Adrian would be working at the dining table and got frustrated with a certain situation, and he would walk into his 'gym room' and cuss (instead of saying it in front of us). Of course, sometimes I can still hear him because his whisper is not a whisper and his cuss words vocabulary is wider haha. In this kind of situation, I would talk really loud or sing to Alex and Sofia so they won't hear him. This is called teamwork la okay. Hah. 

This does not mean that we are screwed up. This means that we are humans and that we are trying. Adrian and I will always remind each other of our intentions whenever we do or say something - be it to each other, to our kids, or to other people. 

So, for me, I think it is fine for me to cuss into my pillow (when I need to) as long as no one else hears it and that is the main point. The last thing I want to do is to stumble people. 

Which then brings me to the next question - why then do I want to talk about it here? 

Well, because this is as real as it gets. 

Someone once asked in our group of friends if they think that I would ever use the "f***" word. Out of the 4 people, 1 answered yes. That was gazillion years ago and I disagreed with the 1 person. I told him that I would never. 

Look at me now, a mother with 2 kids and I do cuss sometimes (IN PRIVATE). Hah. So yeah, people will change so never say never. Heh.

Maybe you have a more effective way to let off your frustration and if that works for you, then really good! I guess as long as your 'way' is not by hurting someone else then that is fine. 

So yeah. I do that so I don't let off my steam by screaming at my kids or purposely saying mean things to my husband. It helps me. But I need to always be reminded not to be 'addicted' to it because before I know it, I may be saying it out loud. 

In summary, if you cuss with the intention to hurt people or/and people may be stumbled by it, then it is not okay. What is your intention then to use these cuss words? Is it necessary? And don't go around trying to hurt people with your words la - now pandemic and everyone is hurting in one way or another so be nice. Heh. 

Okay so in the summary of a summary, having kids is really good lah - they help you do self-check because everything that you don't want them to do or say, you will also not do or say. So, you get to improve yourself every time. 

The struggles are real, and I am glad that I finally found a method to make me a less-screaming-into-my-kids-ears and more-calm-down-respond-better person. 

I hope that from this rambling, you will be able to consciously find a way to channel your frustration and a way to let off your instant anger or something - without stumbling to others and hurting others of course. 

Till next time, bye now.

Alex is Three!

"Enjoy every moment because they will grow up so fast and you will miss it"

Someone said this to me when Alex was just born, and at that time, I find it hard to believe and accept that time will pass me by because it was so difficult being a mother for the first time to a colic baby. It was so challenging in every way. 

But now, I say it to new moms. Hah. 

Because they are so true. 

It feels like he turned three after I blinked my eyes ten times - so surreal because I still remember so clearly when he was born, and the struggles of breastfeeding him and him crying all night because of colic. 

Last year, we wanted to bring him to the zoo on his birthday but we were in our first lockdown, so we celebrated at home. This year, we obviously still want to bring him to a zoo, but we are also still in lockdown so we stayed home (where else can we go right?). 

Initially, the plan was to get him a really nice cake, order some of his favorite food and 'try' to allow him to do or eat anything he wants. 

The plan then changed to scheduling a Zoom call with family and friends, ordered a custom made cake that is affordable, some of his favorite foods ordered and paid for by our sisters (Adrian and mine), and I did allow him to almost everything he wanted to do and he ate whatever he wanted. 

I ordered the cake from Jasmine Cake House. I had no idea what kind of cake he wants so I went to Jasmine Cake House's FB and saved cake photos of which I think may interest Alex. Then, I showed him like 10 photos and he came back with this photo. I tried changing and convincing him to other cakes but he kept coming back to this one, so this one wins. 

We paid RM100 for the cake (including delivery to the house) so in my opinion, that is a pretty good price for a custom-made cake. The monster truck and remote control are not edible. 

We set the call to 6PM and we were struggling with the set-up because at first, we used Adrian's Huawei's laptop and realized that the webcam's angle is totally out and people won't be able to see us and the cake. So, we changed to my Mac and realized that I have not gotten the converter because of the need to connect the HDMI and we tried searching for ways to cast screen mirroring but how also need the HDMI cable. 

Then, we took Adrian's old laptop and after setting it up, we realized that the sound system was already kaput and what is a Zoom call if we cannot hear anyone. 

We then screen mirrored my iPhone but realized that we can only see 4 people on the screen. Problem I tell you. I wanted to go inside my room and hide under the blanket already at this point. 

So our only choice is to connect to the TV using Huawei's laptop and got creative in stacking up and arranging the laptop so the webcam can see all of us. Then, the sound would not come off the TV - so it was super soft and we could hardly hear anyone :( 

It was only after the whole sing birthday song thing that I suddenly realized that I needed to change the sound setting in the Zoom app! SHOOT ME NOW PLEASE. 

It was so hard to swallow this one because I always do it for my previous boss so how can I forget this time. Goodness me. 

There were more people who dialed in to be part of the birthday party, but when Eulene took this photo, many have left and I totally did not take any photos, please. And I was too busy trying to stop Sofia from finishing the entire cake heh. Also, apologies to those whom I forgot to send the link to - it was really a packed day for me, and Adrian had to work and all. 

Anyways, when it was time to sing the birthday song, Alex decided to not stand in front of his 'half'-eaten cake (by Sofia haha) and insist to sit on the sofa. 

I found out later that night that he wanted to sit on the sofa because he wanted to see everyone on the TV! I am guessing that he wanted to see everyone's face as we sing the birthday song for him! Oh, my heart. 

Although he didn't show it, I think Alex had a great time with everyone through Zoom - not our ideal way to celebrate but it's still something! I remembered feeling so happy and thankful when I was reflecting on it at night - feeling really blessed. 

THANK YOU ALL FOR LOVING ALEX. 

To my Alex boy, 

Happy Birthday and my constant prayer for you is that you will always find your strength in the Lord and your identity in Him. Never in us or the world. You are such a sensitive boy and that is okay. I know one day, you will be able to have more control over them. Now, you are just as confused as I may be at times. 

But remember that I love you, and you actually don't have to do anything more or less because I already love you so much. You also don't have to be like anyone for us to love you. 

Amazing how in one day, you can make me smile so hard and make me want to explode in frustration. You challenge me in ways I never knew is possible. And for that, I get to grow. I get to see things from another perspective. I get to be less self-centered. I get to be better. 

So, thank you for being my son. 

Thank you for loving me okay. 

Love you forever my little man. 

Till next time, bye now. 

Week One of New Role - SAHM.

My dad went for a bypass surgery a week + ago, and that also means that we (the kids and I) have not been going to their house for that long. Yes, I was already homesick by end of the week. Yep - overly attached I know and I take that as a compliment heh. 

So, with that I officially got to embrace my new role as a Stay-at-Home-Mom (not really because I have my Shop.com business), I realized that I cannot only just take care of them day-in and day-out - because, by the mid-second day, I was feeling lazier than usual. I was just chilling with them, have zero motivations whatsoever to do anything. I was literally counting the hours for my husband to come home so we could have dinner together and stuff. 

Then, on the third day, I told myself I need to find something to do - that I love, or would potentially love. 

So, I started searching for recipes for food items that I want to eat but don't want to order from outside. Soon, I find myself texting Adrian my bakery to-buy-list so he could get them for me when he comes home from work. 

The more I bake and the more I cook new food items that I have not tried before, the more motivated I was to do my work and take care of my children. 

And this is a true story. 

I have a higher tolerance and more patience towards my kids on days when I do bake or cook. I don't ki siau so fast and I actually spend more quality time with them, instead of just letting them watch TV to pass time by. 

So, when I say baking is my therapy, it really is. 

Now, some of you asked how do I even find the time and energy to bake and wash and handle the kids at the same time. The funny thing is I don't know. 

Because logically, it would mean I actually have to come out with extra energy & time to do the extra thing - but the funny part is although I do feel more worn out by the end of the night, I don't actually feel exhausted - as compared to when I do absolutely nothing else but taking care of the kids. 

Get what I mean?

Maybe you do, maybe you don't. 

But if you do, you should try to find something to do other than being a mom, because you will find that your everyday life becomes more interesting and less stressful. I don't even know if that makes any sense but yeah, please try them. You will at least feel less miserable and lonely. Hah. 

It could be knitting, arts and crafts things, gardening, cleaning, re-organizing, or creating Youtube videos. It could be anything you want! 

Except for anything that involves using your phone all the time I guess. 

Because watching Netflix just makes you feel lazier and you will feel extra exhausted after watching a TV show or a movie - also a true story. 

Maybe choose something that your kids can be involved in of some sort. Although honestly sometimes I want to be baking alone - while they are taking their naps. 

We foresee many more weeks of us staying in our own homes so there will be more recipes coming up - but after a few tries, I can be good at it - like my twisted cinnamon buns. I am still not happy with how it turned out, so I will trial and error with other recipes and see where I go from there. 

To my friends who live nearby, get ready to be my guinea pigs (hah). 

So yeah, the first week of full-time mom and I am already baking so much. I hope I don't end up eating all the baked goods if not people may start asking me if I am pregnant. Heh. I am not yet. 

Oh, and here's a tip on how to get your children to enjoy every meal - only let them watch TV or let them have screen time after they finish their meals. That way, they either have conversations with you during the meals or enjoy finishing up their food. 

I did a comparison and they took so much longer when they have screen time during mealtime. I also lost my sanity more times during that time. So, to make sure everyone is well-fed and happy by the end of mealtime, no watching TVs at all. 

Alex knows this very well by now. Sofia cannot really be bothered because every time she has food in front of her, she is 100% focused. No problem with that. 

Okay, enough of the end of week one thing. 

Till next time, bye now. 

Sofia's First Birthday Party!

This is a super long overdue post because I had no blogging mojo - till today. Heh. The mojo is back so here I am. 

Sofia turned one last year in December and fortunately, we were able to have a small party outside of our house because our house cannot fit more than 20 people, please, and since her birthday is 3 days away from Christmas, we thought of just making it slightly bigger to celebrate Christmas as well - sort of. So, we expanded the invitation list and before we know it, 100 people responded yes. 

This party-planning was very different from Alex's time because, for Alex's party, I had months of preparation for decorations and stuff but with the current pandemic, we were quite sure that we will not have the luxury to celebrate with family and friends because of the SOPs implemented. 

It was (I think) the end of November only we decided that we are able to go ahead with the planning and for me, the hardest part of it all was finding the right place. I called a few places that are kids friendly and SOP-following that could cater to about 100 people and it was tough. Many places could only cater up to a maximum of 40 people because of the social distancing. 

Rachel suggested Heily Monroe Garden Bistro by the Sea, and since I have not been there to taste the food, we organized a last-minute

family dinner to do a taste-test - macam like do wedding pulak. 

I fell in love with the place the moment I got there because not only was it big (in space, it was also very windy and dreamy. We ordered and ate and we were quite happy with the food. 

Long story short, we took a few days to think about it, and we were very hesitant to say yes to that place because of the price but when Adrian said, "But the place is no doubt very nice" - I was 100% sold and we booked that entire place for the evening. 

Once the venue was confirmed, everything else flowed right in, and with the help of my sisters and Adrian's sisters, it was a success! 

For me at least. Hah. 

The theme was 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' because this is the first song that Sofia responded to and we sing this quite often to her, and Heily Monroe fits this theme really well. 

Vanessa and Kelly were in-charged of decorations so everything was super pretty please. 

We did a buffet catering with the restaurant because it was way easier and does not cost as much as if we do a sit-down dinner - with 100 people no joke man. 

Those are the planning part of Sofia's first birthday party - and yes I am aware that she may not remember any of it but like I mentioned before (over here) - it's really for the parents. Heh. 

I am very thankful that my husband is on-board with the idea because he is so busy with his work and when he says, "Up to you, baby" - I am on cloud nine, please. 

A little reflection on this baby girl - when we found out her gender through the gender reveal party, we both got very emotional, and I was surprised how emotional it got us - more to Adrian for sure. I think we didn't expect the reality of having a girl until that gender reveal and we were speechless. 

We took one night for it all to be processed and when we were done being emotional, we celebrated the counting down, and boy, it was a hard few months counting down to her arrival. 

More of her arriving in this world story here. 

The thought of having a baby girl did not set in until I actually held her in my arms (on my chest) right after she came out fresh from the oven (my hoohaa). I held her as they were stitching my hoohaa and as I was fighting the pain down there, she peed on me and I laughed. 

It was such a mother-daughter bonding time, to be honest. I held her tighter (after she peed on me), and I told her that her day was waiting outside and we get to reunite soon. Then, she fell asleep - on me. IT WAS SUCH A MOMENT. I will never, ever forget that feeling. 

I did not get to have that with Alex because he was a Caesarean baby and they took him away from me after he came out. They only let me kissed him once in like seconds. Meh. 

With Sofia, I felt that immediate bonding, and I was excited to let her latch on me. As tired as I was after pushing her out and having to care for her by myself the whole night, I also remembered feeling the overpouring joy that lasted me the whole night. 

I crashed the next day when Adrian came to visit and fetch us home. Heh. 

Anyways, Sofia is finally one year old and it made me think how come time passes so fast with this one. I breastfed her for 6-months and she started sleeping through the night at about 9-months old and now, she is going to start walking soon and my ovaries are going to explode because she is such a cute bola - I want to squeeze her so bad. 

Thank you all who came and gave presents and angpows because we are so blessed. Sofia is really blessed to be loved and cared for by you all. 

Charity made a video from the night and more photos below (compilation from many of you). 

Dear Sofia, 

You are finally one year old and we celebrate you because turning one year old is such a huge milestone - especially for your parents. Heh. It means that you are very ready for sleep through the night and the good thing is you started sleeping longer at about 10-months old, so you actually didn't need to go through the cry-to-sleep-training - and we are so ready to sleep longer than 4-hours at one go. 

You are a very different baby from your brother and we are still figuring a way to manage you hah. You are louder, braver, and tougher - from what we can see now anyway. 

That's why I call you my samseng girl - because you are really one samseng baby. You do not fear the cane or our 'tiaks' and you always managed to escape by smiling or laughing. You are no doubt your dad's biggest weakness because he does not seem to be able to 'discipline' you the way he did for Alex. You became dady's girl the moment we found out about your gender. 

I remember telling your dad that even though you are our second-born, you will be loved the same and receive the same attention as your brother - although naturally, your attention already has to be divided the day you were born. 

But I know this for sure, that I (we) love you the same as we love Alex. We will love you both differently because both your love languages are different and different does not mean bad. It means your parents are always trying. Heh. 

Oh, I love you so much, my baby girl. We are going to have so many twinning outfits and twinning photos - till death do us part. Hah. 

Our prayer for you is that you will grow up well, strong, always be in the best of health, and may you know the Lord as He has created you and placed you in this family. May you walk in His ways and find your identity through His eyes, and not ours. 

Love you, Sofia Koay. 

Happy One Year Old, Sofia Koay Yi Jia!

This is the only family photo from that night - because playing with his fellow buddies more important for Alex - which is quite correct. Hah. 

Till next time, bye now.