09 March 2021
Dreaming of Holidays.
19 February 2021
Sofia's First Birthday Party!
Sofia turned one last year in December and fortunately, we were able to have a small party outside of our house because our house cannot fit more than 20 people, please, and since her birthday is 3 days away from Christmas, we thought of just making it slightly bigger to celebrate Christmas as well - sort of. So, we expanded the invitation list and before we know it, 100 people responded yes.
This party-planning was very different from Alex's time because, for Alex's party, I had months of preparation for decorations and stuff but with the current pandemic, we were quite sure that we will not have the luxury to celebrate with family and friends because of the SOPs implemented.
It was (I think) the end of November only we decided that we are able to go ahead with the planning and for me, the hardest part of it all was finding the right place. I called a few places that are kids friendly and SOP-following that could cater to about 100 people and it was tough. Many places could only cater up to a maximum of 40 people because of the social distancing.
Rachel suggested Heily Monroe Garden Bistro by the Sea, and since I have not been there to taste the food, we organized a last-minute
family dinner to do a taste-test - macam like do wedding pulak.
I fell in love with the place the moment I got there because not only was it big (in space, it was also very windy and dreamy. We ordered and ate and we were quite happy with the food.
Long story short, we took a few days to think about it, and we were very hesitant to say yes to that place because of the price but when Adrian said, "But the place is no doubt very nice" - I was 100% sold and we booked that entire place for the evening.
Once the venue was confirmed, everything else flowed right in, and with the help of my sisters and Adrian's sisters, it was a success!
For me at least. Hah.
The theme was 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' because this is the first song that Sofia responded to and we sing this quite often to her, and Heily Monroe fits this theme really well.14 February 2021
For Husbandku.
Warning: geli-geli message incoming okay - You have been warned ah.
This one is for my soulmate.
Dear husbandku,
I never knew what it was like to experience true love until we tied the knot. Not to say that I did not truly love you when we were dating, but marriage has definitely opened up my eyes to what true love really means - between the both of us anyway.
There are so many things that I am thankful for, that involves you. Of course, most of it has you in it as you are a very big part of me.
People always say that when your children come, you tend to give less attention to your husband because your children need you more.
Nah - my children need me for sure because they are still so young but you need me equally as much. This I know and discovered after we lost Little Dot (first pregnancy) and saw how it affected you as much as it was to me. People were more focused on me because I had to deal with the physical part of the loss but they forget to see that you needed to mourn too - but I saw that.
From then on, I knew that my time, attention, and love have to be divided equally between our children and you - and I hope that I (somehow) managed to do that.
I know, many times you felt that I have forgotten about you but know that I have not and I never will. It's just many times, sleep becomes a stronger temptation. Hah.
Having to live a life with you for the past 4 years has been really interesting. I discovered many new things about you and you on me and it's "lovingly" intense to see how we have progressed on our types of arguments.
There is a term that says something like, 'Pick your fight wisely' and I know for sure the kind of fights that I like to pick with you usually involves toothpaste cover, wet towels, and blanket.
Now, we have up-leveled to saying things indirectly to each other through Alex or Sofia.
"Alex, guess who never hang their wet towel again?"
In these kinds of situations, Alex will usually say, "Huh?" and it made everyone laughed. They are no longer intense arguments that could potentially blow into a bigger war. Heh.
I love how we are both very honest with each other - in our opinions for everything. I know that I can always count on you when I needed to hear the truth though I was longing for a lie. I wanted you to tell me that I looked better with the new haircut (need to boost confidence a bit) but instead, you will tell me that it is not that nice, and gave me a pat. Heh - like friend friend ah.
Thank you for always being true to me, and giving me that room, and trusting that I will only get stronger (and wiser) every time you feel the need to give me constructive criticism. Basically, you do not sugar coat your words and for that, I am so thankful because I can only get better.
Living together may seem all nice and fun but the truth is, it was hard (for me at least). It was hard to leave the comfort of my own room to share a room, a limited space with you - because we both have our fair share of habits and whatnot. It was hard and stressful (at first) but I am always thankful that I got to share it with you. You are a fun room-mate for sure. Heh.
You are also a very giving person, like when we pre-ordered our wardrobe and I insisted to choose a layout that is not very practical. You told me your opinion and I chose to ignore them. When they came to set it up, and I finally saw how not practical it was for me (for my dresses and all), you quickly came in and said that you will take that side of the wardrobe and insisted that I took yours. That is another moment that I knew I married a gold.
Thank you for always staying committed to this relationship, to me and our little family. You give your all for us, and I know I don't always give my all for you. Sometimes, I am even at fault for adding to your work stress. I know and I am sorry.
But you already know that the word 'sorry' is hard to come out of my mouth. So when I do, it's very precious okay. Hah.
You must be thinking, 'why this geli-geli message today ah' - well because flowers and meals on Valentine's Day are over-priced and we are too smart to fall into paying for overpriced things on a day the whole world celebrates love.
I celebrate you today (and everyday of course), because no matter how difficult and bumpy this road may get, I will still hold your hand until we reach our destination. I will wipe your tears (with Applecumby wet wipes because too many supplies in our storeroom - inside joke hah) and I will make you laugh when you get too stressed out okay.
I will also remember to feed you Isotonix drinks because you need to live longer than me. Hah.
I love you, Adrian Koay, and even though we say it to each other every day, the meaning of this words remained the same - from the first time you said it till today.
Happy Love Day, husband oi.
I love you, my forever.
11 February 2021
Why Alex Cry So Much?
"Mamy go outside. I want Mamy to go outside!"
"Why? Why do you want me to go outside?"
"Because I want to cry first"
So, I left the room. Then, I heard a muffled cry - I believe he planted his head onto our blanket and cried. About 4-seconds later, he called for me. I went in and he gave me a hug and wiped his own face.
This entire incident left me thinking the whole day and night.
In some ways, it kinda broke my heart to go through the entire scenario with my firstborn. It is heartbreaking but now I know, I needed to see that.
You see - the truth is I have always struggled to embrace this part of Alex since he was born. He cries so often and so easily that it really made it hard for me to 'accept' and often time I find myself shutting down mentally every time he has a meltdown. Sometimes, these meltdowns last for 10-seconds, and sometimes they can last up to 30-minutes.
and the reasons for his meltdown can be anything - someone said no to him when he asked for something, someone snatched his toy, someone told him to wait et cetera.
It is mentally very (very) exhausting, and it can get very frustrating.
I have always thought that there must be something that I must have not done correctly in his upbringing to have him cry every time he gets frustrated, sad, or angry. So, I tried everything that I can think of and nothing really works.
Then, this happened.
When he asked me to leave the room, I was shocked because usually, he would want me around but when I was asked to leave, my heart broke a little.
Then, I realized something that changed me - overnight.
Children react differently because they are all different individuals and I have seen many different kinds of reactions from children when they get frustrated, sad, and angry.
Some kids hit, some kids bite, some kids merajuk, and some other kids probably yell.
But for Alex, I have not seen the abovementioned when he gets all frustrated, sad, or angry. He doesn't hit or bite, or merajuk, or yell back - but he would cry.
He cries.
That is his way of handling the difficult emotions because he is 3-years old, and still figuring a way to handle them on his own. I should be thankful (and I am now) that he does not hit back or yell or bite people every time he gets upset.
I felt so guilty after realizing this because all this while when he has his crying moment, I would try my best to shut them down and I told him that he is a big boy now and a big boy cannot simply cry. I must have done it so often that he felt the need to ask me to leave the room because he needed to cry it out - alone.
It made me feel that for him, he thinks that if I stayed in the room with him, all I want to do is to ask him to be quiet and not cry anymore - that I am sort of robbing away his way of letting out his emotions.
I cannot tell you how much that breaks me inside.
It's like Adrian telling me to be quiet every time I cry because I got upset or frustrated with something or at someone. He does not okay. If Adrian finds me crying, he will hug me and let me cry it out.
So, I should be like this to my son all the time - no matter how tiring it can get.
Also because of this, I now realize that my son is a (much more) sensitive person, and if he needs to cry it out to get rid of his frustration, I should (and will) let him do so.
With that said, since I will not stop him from letting out his emotions, what I think I can do is teaching him to cry at the right place. Hah. Like if he needs to cry it out, then he should do it in a room or something, and most importantly, I need him to know that it is not a punishment to cry inside a room - instead of crying in public out loud. Hah. Still kena control place sikit.
It's like if Alex needs to yell his feelings off, I would probably get him a pillow and ask him to yell into it till he is fully done. Heh. I will not like to ask him not to yell because then, how else would he let off his frustration, right?
I don't know la. I need to keep trying for sure.
Parenting is really one of the toughest (if not toughest) things ever because there is not black and white eh. Every child is different and you have to try every method to see what works and let us not forget the constant worry of what if the method leads them to traumatic experiences and all. Hah.
At least now I know for sure how I am going to handle the entire crying thing with him.
FYI - I say all this about my son but that does not mean I do not love him or love him less. There is absolutely nothing in this world that can make me love him lesser than I already am. If anything, I will always love him more and more - like to an insane amount of which I never thought a human can contain.
And for you mothers (and fathers) reading this, if you are also struggling like us in this part of parenting, we are with you. Do not get discouraged when you keep 'failing' okay. You are not failing that is for sure. You are trying and we are all always trying and learning.
Adrian and I believe in taking breaks in between these parenting daily things because we don't want to be burned out. For me, an ideal 'break' would be taking a 2D1N staycation but we all know that is not possible because I would miss them too much.
We got this, people!
Till next time, bye now.
15 January 2021
My LASIK Eye Surgery Story.
And I really did.
It was such a long journey to get to this destination - and there were two main reasons for it.
First was the fact that it is very expensive - like five-figures expensive and it would take me so long to save that kind of money because I have zero discipline whatsoever. The second was that I became pregnant very quickly after getting married (intended to of course) and then got pregnant again (very quickly too) with the second baby before Alex even turned one. Then, with breastfeeding and all, it was on hold for longer than I had wanted to.
My piggy bank has not grown a lot also actually but it was enough for me to proceed with it because Optimax Penang has zero interest installments heh.
I was mentally ready to get my vision corrected and to not rely on contact lenses and glasses anymore because, for too many years, I have been really dependent on them.
Enough is enough. Hah.
I have gathered enough information from the internet and friends to know the can-dos and cannot-dos and what to do before scheduling an appointment.
Ten days before I plan to call Optimax Penang to schedule an appointment, I had already gotten rid of (kept in the drawer) my monthly reusable contact lens and was wearing glasses only - 24/7. It was uncomfortable and my vision was not super clear.
But of course, I had to endure it heh - worth it la, please.
On the day of the appointment, Vanessa went with me because I was told that I would not be able to drive after the detailed eye checking and testing. The tests were all painless. For the final eye examination, they had to dilate my eyes (sounds like giving birth right? - check dilation and all heh) so that my pupils will be bigger and they will be able to check thoroughly the condition of my optic nerve and retina.
This is also painless. They put some drops onto both my eyes and waited for like 15-minutes and I was ready to go through one last check. One thing I hate most about this pupil dilation is that my vision turned super blur and I had to see everything very near - like I could not see my phone screen unless it is right in front of my eyes and I have to remove my glasses - not convenient at all.
That is why they asked for someone to get you home because there is absolutely no way you can drive home after having your eyes dilated. No way at all. Please don't gau-gau try all. Cannot means cannot liau.
After all the eye examinations are done, I went into the office with the Optometrist (mine was Yeong) and he explained everything he found from the tests and he also went through with me the three Lasik Eye Surgery there is in Optimax Penang - then he would recommend which one he thinks its best for my eyes.
FYI - not everyone can get their vision corrected via Lasik eye surgery okay. If your cornea is too thin, then you are not able to ever get your vision corrected via Lasik. Maybe got other kinds of 'treatment' but I was not told because my cornea is quite thick.
And I know you surely want to know what can cause your cornea to get thinner - the answer is nothing. It's genetic. You are either born with a thin cornea or a thick one. Simple simple.
The normal range for cornea thickness should range from 470 microns to 630 microns. Mine was at 580 (left eye) and 583 microns (right eye). Phew. Yeong also mentioned that the cornea cannot be too thin after the procedure and mine would be left at about 463 microns (for both eyes) after the Lasik surgery so it is all still good.
I was genuinely afraid that my corneas would be too thin for the procedure - because then I would be for real stuck with glasses and contact lenses my whole life, but thankful that it was not the case.
Also, if your cornea is funny-shaped like not full healthy kind, they will also not proceed with any Lasik treatment for you. Hence, it is very important for you to do an eye examination before getting your hopes too high.
Once Yeong shared with me the good news - he proceeds to explain the 3 Lasik procedures of which I will summarize (sort of) below.
- Also known as Customized All Lased LASIK.
- A Femtosecond laser is used to create a flap on the cornea.
- The flap will then be lifted up to expose the inner layers of the cornea.
- Another laser called Excimer laser will be used to re-shape the inner layers on the cornea (changing the eye's power).
- Then, the flap will be placed back down again and close the cornea.
- Recovery time is 1-3 days for the vision to be fully restored.
- Cost - RM 4,588 per eye.
B) ADVANCED SURFACE ABLATION (ASA)
- No corneal flap creation is needed.
- The top layer of the cornea (called Epithelium) will be removed.
- The Excimer laser is used to re-shape the inner layers of the cornea.
- After the procedure, you are required to wear a bandage contact lens for a month.
- This procedure is recommended for people with thin corneas.
- Recovery time is 1 month.
- Cost - RM4,588 per eye.
C) ReLex SMILE
- A less invasive way to treat short-sightedness and astigmatism.
- No corneal flap is required.
- The Femtosecond laser is used to create a lenticule in the inner layers of the cornea and penetrate through without any cutting involved.
- A small micro-incision (4mm) is created on the side.
- The lenticule earlier will then be removed through the micro-incision and vision will then be corrected.
- Recovery time is 1-3 days.
- Cost - RM6,588 per eye or RM6,888 per eye (depending on which doctor you choose)