06 May 2014

Goodbye, Ah Pui.

From the time I was born till I enter Primary 1, my grandmother (mom's mom) took care of me and two boys. She was a full time nanny to us three. Two boys and a girl. The two boys are younger by one year I think, I can't really remember. 

We parted ways at the age of 7 to different schools and have never spoken to each other since. I don't remember how they looked like anymore. Actually I still can lah, just a little.

Growing up with those two boys have always been a very big part of my life. Those years meant a lot to me but somehow I've never talked about it to anyone, until recently. 

As kids, we don't really remember things that happened, but for me, time spent with them were one of the memories that are still crystal clear. I didn't realized that this child-friendship have such a strong place inside until I got the news about one of the boys.

I named them Ah Pui and Ah San. Obviously because of how they were at that time. Hah. 

On Sunday, Ah Pui's parents came to church. My mom recognized them and when I look at his mom, she did look familiar. When Rachel came to me and told me about it, I was shocked and happy. 

I was going to ask, 'Where's Ah Pui?" when she continued telling me that a while ago, Ah Pui committed suicide because of depression.

I was shocked. Shocked beyond words. 

Something in me snapped. It took me a good 5 minutes to let that sink in and when it finally did, tears came down. I tried controlling but there is no stopping to it. It broke my heart to hear this. It's really difficult.

I thought that I will not be that affected since it has been 20 years of no speaking/seeing each other, but wrong. 

I stood there and I let those tears rolled down freely. I knew crying will make me feel better. I need to know more about his death but I was told not to ask his parents because they are still having a really hard time accepting that. I need to know where he was buried. I need to know when it happened. I need to know how he looked like now. I need to know if we ever crossed each other's path somewhere along the line. I need to know.

Ah Pui has always been the noisiest, craziest and funniest among us three. He's always the one with all the crazy suggestions, only to get us into trouble. We always get into trouble, but my grandpa will always be the superhero and stop my grandma from scolding us. 

Oh and Ah Pui taught me how to do handstand. Actually, both of them were probably the reason I'm so not feminine now. Haha. Who knows. 

It's funny but it made me miss childhood so much that I'm determined to find Ah San. My only one left. 

I regretted that I didn't make any effort to find both of them despite speaking about them almost every year during family occasions. 

This is actually very difficult to put into words. I just wanted to blog about it because this is important. 

Holding back tears as I type this. 

I'm not very good at accepting death. I think that it's one of the hardest thing that anyone has to go through. Especially those who are close to your heart. 

Who knew that Ah Pui and Ah San still have that special place in me after two decades? Who knew.. I don't even know if they remembered growing up with a girl.. I hope they do. 

This is goodbye, Ah Pui. 
A difficult goodbye. 
You are loved and will always be missed.